Friday, November 21, 2008

Confession

I never dreamed this could happen to me.
Confession: I thought I was special.
It didn’t present itself that way at the time
that’s how I see it now.

I never dreamed that my family, the one
I devoted my life to would come apart
at the seams. That my son, our son,
everyone’s son would die some day
by his own hand.

I never dreamed that life could deal us such
a blow. I thought that if I was a good parent
if I gave my children all the opportunities I
did not have, if I just did the right things, I’d
come out of it with just the right result.

We were the parents people came to with
their child-rearing problems. Iknow they
laugh about this now as we have. How
could I have been so far off.

All the kids in the nieghborhood ended up
at our house. We had a pool and lots of
activities to keep them busy during
summer breaks and holiday. We had
parties for every occasion and celebrations
for every achievement in the neighborhood.

I thought my daughter and son were so
close to me and my husband that they
always came to us when they had a problem.
I didn’t think there was any problem we couldn’t
solve together and I told them so, often.
We were always open and listened and taught
and were there for them. Raising them was
my life and I gave 110% and then I gave some
more.

I thought if you were a good parent, if you
loved your children and showed them , taught
them right from wrong, took them to church,
let them try sports and scouts and all the things
they wanted to do that would enrich them
that they would, in turn, turn out to be a
certain way, well-adjusted and ready for this
world. I thought I did all those “right” things.

I never dreamed that you could do all the right
things and still life could play a dirty trick on
you and leave you hoping that your grief would
one day (if you were good) just turn into a deep
sadness instead of the overwhelming cave of pain
that your body has become.

I never dreamed anything but that God granted
me graces and love and a life full of the things
you could have here on this earth. I thought
I was blessed with wonderful loving husband and
wonderfully blessed and life loving children.
I thought I had the answers. I thought
I was special. Silly me.
Judy Roney

4 comments:

SeaStar said...

This is so powerful and painful, Judy. I felt the same way, that if I loved my girls right and was a good enough mother, they would be safe. Not so.

Judy said...

Thank you SS for your validation of my feelings, my confession. sigh I wish it were true that if you do A &B, you'll get C but there are too many variables, too much life gets in the way.
Thanks.

Mary said...

So painful, Judy. So honest. I agree that so often we think that we do everything 'right' things will work out perfectly.

Peggy said...

I can only add my own identification with your poem. I used to feel this way too, that by doing the right things I could control everything. But life is full of dirty tricks, isn't it, and one starts to wonder if we have any control at all. But I guess not having control is better than feeling responsible for everything that happens. No easy answers. As usual your poem is awesome.