The Cruise From Hell

I was aboard the ship, so I can tell you
what happened on the Big
Red Boat sailing out of Miami
for the Caribbean in December.

We went on the cruise
my husband, daughter, son, and I
in lieu of Christmas gifts.
We agreed that we would prefer
to spend Christmas on a cruise
making memories on a Disney line,
what could go wrong?

We sailed into the worst weather
in hundreds of years, weren’t allowed
to get off the ship in ports because
of hurricane force winds
the ship couldn’t open casino or bars
or gift shops because maritime rules
forbid it in port.

I did find availability for the rock message
though most things were booked on board.
The woman put the scalding stones on my back
and I kept saying they were burning. She’d tell me
how long she’d been doing this and never
heard anyone complain. I tried to stifle my
complaints and moans. That night I went
to scratch my back and got hands full of scalded
skin and I still carry the scars.

There were fights on board over things like
scrabble boards, and ping pong.There were so
many kids that needed to be occupied. I remember
grabbing a Stewart towards the end of cruise
offering him a month’s pay to get me off that ship
He laughed as he informed me that I’d have to be dying
to get off. I looked at him honestly as I promised him
that in every way I was dying. He wouldn’t budge.

We heard a knock on our cabin door as the ship
sailed northward. It was a party planner who
planned the BBQ at Salt Key. We couldn’t get to
the island so he was asking for our t-shirts back
the ones we were handed when we signed up.
We were so weary, so tired, now our daughter
was very ill and in the bed all day, so we just
handed them over. If he had asked for them
a day earlier before our strength was gone,
I could have taken him on with my bare hands.
He asked at just the right time.

We weathered the storm, never saw
a pool on board, it was always covered,
all there was to do was eat and sleep.
The food was good and we gained a steady
pound a day. Finally toward the end of our
seven day trip, we sailed towards home
in the whiplash waves as big as the big red boat.
I thought from the sounds it would surely break
into a million tiny pieces and we would all die.