Trust Me
I was tired, Mom
all I’d worked for didn’t seem worth
it and my head, always the headaches
and now something else. I find it difficult
to get out of bed but I don’t want you
to worry. I kept it from you for a reason.
I had to make my own decision, my own
way. I’m still doing my job, meeting
with friends, doing what I need to do
but I’m tired Mom.
When I saw Mema in the casket
she seemed so peaceful, at rest, she got to
rest. Death didn’t seem such a terrible thing.
Death seemed like an answer, just go to sleep
forever, don’t worry about computer systems
and company networks, the bosses, the 20 hour
work days , don‘t worry about anything any longer.
I didn’t know where home was anymore. My
apartment in Atlanta, my family and friends
in Tampa, my job site in Illinois. I’m only
twenty-three Mom but I’m tired. I want to
sleep and not have to worry about spreadsheets
and bills and being away from my family
and all my college friends in Gainesville
spread all over the US with their jobs.
I don’t know anyone here in Atlanta, I’m so
lonely, and then I have to fly so much. You
know what a homebody I always was Mom.
I worked from the time I was in grade school
for this opportunity, for this life I have. New
car, grand apartment and job with a top five
company. I’ve achieved all my goals but
it’s not all that. I love you and Dad and Sis
with all my heart but I can’t stay any more.
There doesn’t seem to be an end to these
hours with a job I don’t care for after all
in a town where I don’t know anyone, in a
space I don’t’ want to be. I guess its depression
but it feels like it will last forever and I don’t
want this pain. Remember it’s not about
you, it’s about me and what I choose.
You know I’ve always made good choices
Mom. You said so from the time I was small.
Trust me now and know that I’m doing
what I need to do. Our last weekend
together was great. I knew I wouldn’t
see any of you again and I wanted you
to have that one last memory. I wanted
you to know this isn’t about you. I love
you.
9 comments:
Judy, this poem breaks my heart. It really does sound like Brian's voice. The pain is so deep and real. I am so sorry...still.
Oh Judy - your mother's heart really does empathize with him at such a deep level - so loving of you and so hard - hard enough to read and to write it - Oh my - THere is so mmuch love in this poem, truly unconditional. ANd thank you for the picture of him too? Was it taken shortly before his death?
Thank you so much, Mary and Seastar. It was hard to write and I know it must be hard to read. Lots of tears today but your words comfort me..always. Victoria, this was just days before his death, it was the weekend when he was home with us. Actually he is out with his sister and her boyfriend and some of Brian's friends this night. It is the last photo I have of him and it has weathered so. I remember the tears that kept falling onto it and made that discoloration. Now I have to have it fixed or it will disentegrate. Thank you.
Judy, somehow I picture this poem possibly as the first one in your book...Brian's voice. I came back to read it again this morning.
I do remember how you had written about that weekend with Brian home...at that time...
As far as the photo, Judy, you have now scanned it. So, it is now preserved digitally; and it is possible now for you to print out NEW copies of that photo, so you will have them in case this old photo deteriorates. (I have done this with some old photos.) It is such a good photo of Brian.
What a loving Mom, you are, Judy, to understand what is barely understandable with your baby boy...they will always be our babies, won't they.
I can hardly think of words to write about this Judy. Oh my God you book is going to be amazing.
Judy: I haven't looked at your poetry lately, so today I got caught up. Wow. It's like reading a very powerful book, each chapter unfolding and wanting me to read the next. The Point of view poem is especially potent. Now that I've visited your poetry blog, I'll be checking back in. As a parent, your words strike terror in my heart. We truly never do knows what life holds. But, I am also an optimist, always hoping for the best, and that keeps me grounded.
Do you have anything in mind to write about Mom yet? I keep trying, but it's still way too raw. I did write an account of Mom's death that I shared with my online grief support group and I got a lot of feedback from that, but it was so painful to write. Some day, I will write a lengthy essay about all that Mom was.
Darrell, its funny that you should mention that because I have written one (draft stage) about your Mom and I have my ideas and know what it is, but I'm trying to incorporate it into a poem prompt on loss that we get and it hasn't come up . We get these prompts through the month of November so I'm hoping to get one that I can finish Bettys and get that. She would definitely be in my book on loss when I do get it finished.
You are a wonderful writer, Darrell. You will get your stories written. It took me eight years to get to this point with writings on Brian. This month has been hard just writing this but also wonderful in that I can see more and more clearly as I write. I have written about Brian for these years and I'm still amazed by all that still comes pouring out. These are all new ones I have written this month trying to follow Robert Brewer's prompts. If you write a poem a month, you'll have a chapbook's worth at the end of the month. My poem for your Mom is "Beautiful Betty" and shows how many ways your mom was so beautiful. I will finish it if I don't get a prompt this month and you can bet I'll share it with you.Just have had so much writing this month I'm still hoping for the prompt. :)Thanks for commenting.
Thanks Mary, Peggy, Ann, and Seastar. Your words mean so much to me. Yes, Seastar, so hard to write, I find myself curled next to Bill after my writing feeling very vulnerable for quite a while, until the next day when I have to write something else.
Darrell, I hope you will share your poem with me.
I LOVED the footage you sent of you on the news. What fun to see you there talking about your "home" teams. The term Thornets will probably be used by people there now. :) Thanks for sending it.
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